A Mother's Day Wish

This Mother's Day I spent the late morning with my grandmother and grandfather, and had a brief talk with my mentor on the phone. I'm reading Mother Daughter Wisdom and taking good care of myself. Even though I had a mom growing up (and still have her!), I had to do a lot of mothering of myself and my brother and sister. Addiction kept much of my mother, and even when she was there in a physical sense, the emotional, spiritual and psychological aspects were diluted or altogether missing. I love my mom so much and I forgive her, but that doesn't mean I continue to put up with poor behavior and unnecessary drama. It's time for me to take care of myself and put my own needs before the needs of my mother. In doing so, I prepare myself for the time in which I, too, become a mother.

I am choosing to not see my mother unless and until she seeks treatment. I tried all other routes before coming to this one and deciding to take it. It's no easy road to walk, especially on days like today, but I have little doubt anymore that it is the right one for me and probably my mother, as well, though she has her own path and I can't pretend to know what is right for her.

It's funny, well actually it's sad, but I was downstairs earlier today with my grandparents and their caretaker, Judy, and we were discussing Mother's Day and being a mom. Judy told me (half joking, I hope), "See--the reason you're so happy and full of life is because you ain't a mom yet. Just wait until you have kids and see how them kids make you. Soon you'll be old and miserable like the rest of us!"

Hmph! What a way to feel about motherhood. I know it's a difficult job and that there are lots of sacrifices that must be made again and again until the day you die, but I'd hope that they are sacrifices you do lovingly and in the spirit of nurturing and supporting your life and dreams and those of your children. I'd hate to feel like my kids are responsible for my misery and old age. I know that each of us are 100% responsible for the state of our own lives now and that children depend upon their parents or caretakers for their well-being. They have no choice, really. But as adults it's up to us to assume responsibility for the state of our lives--our well being, our finances, our health and family and all the rest of it. I don't always like to admit it, but by accepting and living from a place of full responsibility for my life now as an adult I come from a stronger place of power and strength, a place of infinite possibilities and creativity rather than being a victim of my past or current circumstances. There's no strength in that.

So Happy Mother's Day to anyone who might be reading this. Do yourself a favor and spend some time today mothering yourself and taking care of your own needs first. You can go back to helping others before yourself another day, but just for today, put yourself first. See how it feels. Sometimes we have to give ourselves what we wish we could get from others, and there's nothing wrong with doing exactly that.

Face Up in the Rain

I slept for ten hours. It felt great to wake up at 9:30 to bird songs outside my half-opened window and the pitter-pat of soft rain gently falling on the new shoots of lime green grass below. Figgy cuddled in between my feet and nibbled at my nose when he decided it was time to be fed. Zeus quickly followed suit, and soon we three were up and ready for the day, well nourished and rarin' to go. I do, however, have a wickedly sore throat making my voice sound more like Kathleen Turner's than my own. I am staying inside today, though I did venture out in the morning rain in my bare feet to toss the garbage out and take a moment to stand face-up in the rain. The mom's out there may be gasping with a chorus "This is why you're sick!," but it felt good--bare feet on wet pavement, momentary steps on the puddles and green grass and back inside my cozy apartment.

I love weekends. My intent for today especially is to happily and consciously receive the gift of God's grace. Like a string of pearls laced together along the silky fabric of midnight sky, the stars and planets shine for me. Nothing I do or have done, or do not do or have not done, can steal away such moments of grace from my life. Even when my own family balks at my next move or rejects me in small or not so small ways, I have learned that the universe, the spirit with my heart that some call God loves me unconditionally, and grace is His gift to me. Gently releasing my thoughts of last night's magical sky, I return to my day. Grace is present -- here, now, and always.

Today, Like Every Other Day

Today, like every other day, we wake up empty
and frightened. Don't open the door to the study
and begin reading. Take down a musical instrument.

Let the beauty we love be what we do.
There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.

-Rumi

Zeus

I adopted a two year old black and white cat from the Humane Society three days ago. His name is Zeus and he is such a love. His little brother, Figgy, is adapting to the new addition to our little family, and has been sniffing and playing and scoping out this new creature, not yet sure what to make of all this. I'll post photos soon, but he looks a lot like this little guy, only plumper and with eyes that make me laugh and smile rather spontaneously. I made a vision board several months ago, and in looking at it again, see that there is a black and white cat on it that looks nearly identical to Zeus. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Also, since adopting Zeus three days ago, my fair city has been pelted with daily (nightly) thunderstorms. Every. Day. Multiple times a day. Thunder strikes. Rain pours. Lightning flashes. It's really cool. I love these kinds of thunderstorms. They give me permission to read and lounge in bed with the windows open, feeling the stormy breezes while chillin' with my cats. And let's not forget how Zeus is king of the gods, the ruler of Mount Olympus, and the god of the sky and thunder. Coincidence? I don't think so!

Prosperity (Daily Word)

Immersed in the love of God, I live the abundant life.

I imagine myself looking at a seascape of glistening sapphires, aquas, and teals. Wave after wave washes upon the sand of a shoreline that stretches to the horizon.

As I stroll along the beach, I reach down and grasp a handful of sand. I release my grasp, and a tropical breeze caresses my fingers and carries the grains into the air, then back upon the beach.

Much like these endless grains of sand, God’s infinite gifts are always present for me. I can hold them close or release them for others, knowing there are still more there for me. In an unlimited array of forms, whether or not I seek them out, blessings are present.

Translating Schadenfreude

I live in an apartment above my grandparents. I am a good granddaughter. I love G&G very much, and am here in large part because I want to spend what little time we may have left together close to them. I try to make them happy mostly with my company, even when I'm busy, tired, etc. Honestly, the thing I do the most for my grandparents is spend time with them--just visiting and listening to old stories and letting them talk. This is the arrangement they seem most comfortable with. While they will accept help from the caregivers and from others, they don't easily accept it from me. Time I can give without being rejected. One meal a week they'll let me do. One morning a week to be with Grandpa while the caregivers and Grandma Junie run errands is fine. Beyond that, not so much. I think my grandma would let me buy her an endless supply of caffeine free Diet-Pepsi, but that's about it.

So when I received an email from my cousin (the lawyer of the family, three years my senior and the first born grandchild), I was surprised. She confronted me about making noise at night, and said they would like to make it a policy that there is "quiet time" after 11:30 or midnight". As a quiet girl who likes to read, write and sleep mostly while I'm at home, I was surprised to learn I am viewed as a loud tenant and a night-owl. Hah!

There were other things in the email, but the tone and tenor of the request was one of parent-child. I felt like a little kid or rebellious teenager being scolded for listening to NIN late at night and keeping the folks up. Had the caregivers just talked to me about this directly, like the adults that we are, it would be fine. Hardwood floors mean that noise travels. My bedroom is directly above his. I get it. The thing I don't get is why we couldn't have a normal conversation with the people directly involved.

I am blessed and grateful to be living above my grandparents, but coming back from living first in Taiwan, a world away, and before that out in Portland, Maine, I have to admit that consciously coming back into these family dynamics is difficult for me. I tend to want to draw back and it's a challenge to assert my personal boundaries (and have them respected) and establish my own life and what feels okay for me while living in such close proximity to everyone. This has always been my biggest challenge in life--having the courage and strength to simply be myself--to shine--to be my own person and stand up for what I believe in in spite of what my family may think of me. I get so bogged down in their labels, too often believing that I am what they say I am--irresponsible, bad with money, loud, selfish, undisciplined, greedy, overweight, flakey, etc. that I start to believe it. In fact, when the negative self-talk starts in my head (and it often does), it is these things I've heard or felt through behaviors from my family for years. Now I know they love me, but they just don't want me to shine too brightly. They don't want me to change. They want to feel safe, knowing exactly who I am and what I can do.

I remember being floored when my sister lost 80 pounds and trained for three marathons, all while having type 1 diabetes. The family was less than supportive. No one really commented. No one felt overjoyed for her. Even I felt jealous and threatened. When one changes, all are forced to interact differently. Family units don't like that. It was very eye opening to see my own reaction to my sister's transformation because it wasn't just about the weight loss or athleticism--it was her whole life. She was more confident. Started dating better guys. Started living her dreams. And there I was. Teaching in an inner-city school. Overweight. Depressed. Dating a guy I knew I didn't want to be with but was too lazy and insecure to change things. Not exercising. Rising A1C. The last thing I wanted to do was feel happy for my sister. So I didn't. And in denying that joy for her, I hurt myself, too.

I notice now that despite all the struggles and challenges I'm facing, I feel better about myself and I'm much more able and willing to feel good for other people. I'm glad when they succeed. I'm genuinely happy for them when they get what they want and deserve. I don't feel jealous too often these days, though that still creeps in, Ill admit, mostly around body image and finances. It's a good place to be--to be able to genuinely cheer others on and not feel like by celebrating their successes I am somehow diminishing my own sense of self. That's ego getting out of the way for a little bit and letting my own true essence shine. I am a happy, joyful person who loves to see success in all forms. I love to see people thrive. It's only when I'm down in the doldrums and not doing what makes me feel good that I tend to withhold my happiness for others.

Schadenfreude--I know it comes from that place of unrest within oneself where the ego feels pumped up by others shortcomings or failures. As a bilingual English/German speaker, I love those German words with no real equivalent in English because they seem so on the mark. Schadenfreude, Gemuetlichkeit, these are two well known words that have no real translation. I suppose the opposite of Schadenfreude is simply being happy for another's happiness. It sounds easy to do, but we all have days when it doesn't come so naturally. That's always a sign for me to look within and see what I can do to make myself feel good because there's nothing worse than gloating over other's misfortunes and being unable to celebrate their joys. I can think of no worse fate than that.

Lending a Helping Hand

I was late. I sped from one side of town to the other, barely stopping at those large red octagon things and other blinking lights. I had a massage to get to, after all. No time to relax. I was late. There was road construction everywhere and no parking on the main streets. I'd have to find a spot nestled somewhere on a residential side street. I found one a few blocks away from my massage therapist's office, quickly parallel parked, and power-walked down the avenue, oblivious to my surroundings. Not very "Power of Now" or "New Earthy," that's for sure. Bad awakener.

As I'm almost there (now 10 minutes late for my massage and cursing my poor time management skills since I'll likely lose precious massage time), a little old lady pardons herself and stops me to ask if I'd help her. Honestly, I look skeptically at her since she's standing outside a restaurant/pub, thinking she may want spare change, not that she looks particularly needy, but you never know. I may have held the purse strings a little tighter as I engaged with her. Then, she asked me if I wouldn't mind helping her across the street, what with all the road construction and busy traffic on the avenue and all. I instantly chided myself for acting like a twerp--assuming she wanted money instead of a hand across a busy intersection, but then again, I've never had the pleasure of helping a little old lady across the street before. I was out of my element. And running late. And I think I had all of a quarter in my wallet at the time.

So, I put my preconceived notions aside and let go of my need to be on time and "relaxed" and took an extra three minutes out of my day to help this stranger, a little old lady who lived in an apartment on the other side of the street, cross the street. She took my hand and I steadied her, as she said her legs were wobbly and felt like they'd give out. We weaved through the maze of construction and traffic and I led her up her apartment stairs. She was humble and grateful and sweet, and I felt really happy inside, knowing I had been given a gift. God had chosen me to help this little old lady cross the street--giving me the feeling of helping and slowing down enough to really be in the moment. As I took her hand, I felt her dry skin and her soft grasp and I put my arm around her back and felt the sun and the warm 70 degree wind through our hair. It was the best moment of the day, and reminded me how good it feels to help others, even strangers we may initially misjudge. I did lose 15 minutes of my massage time, but it was worth it. After all, it's not every day you have the chance to help a little old lady cross the street.